Vulnerable, Offensive, Exposed

Teenagers are strangers to themselves and eager to explore the personalities of their parents and other people.

Recently, we were expecting guests with children in their teens. We thought in advance about what we could offer them besides tasty food. Our games cabinet is still well stocked from the old days, you can play badminton and ping-pong in the yard, and there's a soccer field nearby. The family arrived, we ate together, showed them their rooms for the night, and then the young people disappeared. Their main interest was in their mobile devices. The next morning, they withdrew after breakfast, and we only saw them briefly when they left.

On the one hand, we adults were able to devote ourselves to our own topics in peace, but on the other hand, there was almost no interaction or exchange with the adolescents, which was a great pity. Incidentally, they were very polite on arrival, helpful in setting the table, and acted quietly and almost invisibly. According to their parents, there were no dramas or disputes in their family life, hardly any provocations, but also little time spent together.

This experience raised questions in our family: What are children consuming during the many hours they spend motionless in front of the screen? Are they missing out on physical activity and interaction with others? Why is it that parents often do not intervene out of curiosity or for control purposes, do not limit media time, and abstain from family time together?

It is convenient for both sides when there is little cause for friction. But friction generates heat when you are passionate about something and get heated up in discussion, with emotions running high and no one staying cool. Especially during puberty, many different topics should be discussed, everyday and funny ones, serious and difficult ones, so that teenagers learn that adults also struggle to find solutions, do not always agree, and that questions remain unanswered. Ideally, people listen to each other, take each other seriously, express their views, and are open to those of others without necessarily wanting to be right.

It is undisputed that young people want to be taken seriously, even if they are magnetically drawn to screens. They are strangers to themselves and eager to explore the personalities of their parents and other people, making comparisons in order to reorient themselves. In doing so, they experience a number of disappointments about the inadequacies of the world, as well as the ambivalence of wanting to develop freely as individuals while not yet wanting to let go of the security of childhood.

Puberty begins earlier and earlier

The term puberty refers to the period of maturation leading up to reproductive capability. Biologically, the starting signal is given when the puberty gene Kiss1 sends signals to the ovaries or testicles in several steps via the hypothalamus and pituitary gland, causing them to synthesize sex hormones and release them into the bloodstream. The hormonal processes begin as early as the age of nine or ten, that is, during the Rubicon, and long before external changes become visible.

Since the 1970s, the onset of puberty has been advancing by three months per decade due to affluence and obesity, while during the coronavirus pandemic, it has advanced even more rapidly due to a lack of exercise. The blue light emitted by screens also plays a role in this through reduced melatonin secretion, as do chemicals such as bisphenol A.

From a psychological perspective, new synapses are constantly being created in the brain during puberty, while others disappear. It is assumed that mood swings and impulsiveness in adolescents are the result of this restructuring. The frontal lobe, the seat of reason, is particularly affected by this process. It is responsible for planning actions, weighing risks, interpreting and regulating emotions. The areas responsible for perception, coordination of movement, and language mature much earlier.

Exposed and vulnerable

From an anthroposophical perspective, the end of the second seven-year phase, the time between tooth replacement and puberty, is about the young person's emotional and spiritual life becoming emancipated and individualized from their parents and immediate social environment. This process is comparable to physical pregnancy and just as susceptible to disruption. At the end of this phase, young people are sexually mature and physically well developed, but emotionally they are like newborns who have lost the protective shell of their parents, like the amniotic sac at birth. They are naked and exposed, unprotected and vulnerable – on the one hand.

On the other hand, there is also curiosity and a spirit of optimism, with moods changing as described above. Sometimes uncertainty and fear of the future prevail, then rebellion and isolation, both extremes can escalate to pathological levels, which cannot always be prevented even in a supportive environment. 18 percent of teenagers experience an identity crisis, and five percent develop mental illness. Depression in particular has increased; it is often difficult to treat, recurrent, and interrupts school attendance for months, sometimes years.

With increasing maturity, intellectual connections can be made between what was previously stored in memory as pure sensory perception; understanding is followed by concepts, personal judgments, and opinions. Rudolf Steiner compares this new quality to the way we initially perceive a seed as just that, but later, through experience and learning, we come to understand that it already contains the entire plant. Discussions and dialogues are well suited for training independent thinking and increasing self-esteem.

Children before the Rubicon are very much part of the world of their caregivers and their imagination, generating a wealth of inner images. Activity and involvement act as a bridge after the painful experience of separation between the self and the world. External images are particularly deeply engraved when they evoke strong emotions. This is useful in the classroom, but not in relation to the amount of time young people spend playing computer games and on social media, which is time lost for real experiences.

Unbiased openness

Parents and anyone else who deals with adolescents should stay in conversation with them about everything that moves them, even if adults may have little interest in TikTok, Instagram, or YouTube. All other topics that move young people also need to be addressed. Fashion and music, for example—even if we don't share their tastes—dietary choices such as veganism, body image and sexuality, values, goals, and much more. Resonance means engaging with them with unbiased acceptance and openness. Young people who feel that no one understands them feel lonely and are even more likely to seek out like-minded people and their approval in virtual spaces. Loud retorts, shouting, and slamming doors are no longer necessary, as parents set fewer boundaries than was customary in the past; rebellion is quiet, almost imperceptible, and takes place online.

Due to their inability to distinguish between their own egocentric thoughts and feelings and those of other people, young people constantly see themselves as the center of attention in their environment. This applies to their actions, feelings, thoughts, problems, and even their appearance, making everything embarrassing. They see themselves as different, feel world-weariness, and feel misunderstood and alone. The other extreme is overconfidence, which is characterized by courage, unbridled energy, and a feeling of omnipotence. Both psychological states have to do with detachment and the search for one's own path. What is undesirable today—risk-taking, aggressiveness, etc.—and can lead to a diagnosis of social behavior disorder which was indispensable for evolution many generations ago.

Teenagers also perceive the transition from a child's body to an adult's body as something unique and incomparable. Although everything has already been said and written about physical processes such as first menstruation and first ejaculation, the same cannot be said about one's own body and sexuality. Self-perception and external perception differ, and embarrassment and sexy styling alternate. 

Adults who are annoyed by teenagers should always remember that young people themselves suffer from inner and outer chaos. We have all been through puberty, and when dealing with adolescents, it is helpful to remember your own emotional ups and downs and talk about them, rather than ridiculing or ignoring their behavior. Interviews with several 20- to 70-year-olds about their experiences of puberty revealed that the key issues are obviously universal and independent of the zeitgeist: friends, family, parents, falling in love, the distant future, ideals, curiosity, then finding one's identity, self-doubt, as well as the whole spectrum of emotions, one's own body, and first experiences of sexuality. Mood swings, ambivalence, and uncertainties—all of the hardships mentioned are similar, even if the topics differ depending on age.

It can be concluded that parents or teachers must provide stability, care, and protection until young people know what talents and inclinations they have and what they want to do with them. In order to recognize this from their own experiences, profound experiences and challenges in the analog world are necessary. This requires opportunities to learn about one's own physical limits and to transcend them in the sense of initiation, to be allowed to fail and to grow through resistance. Since everything familiar no longer applies—feelings, perception of the world, relationships with fellow human beings—teenagers must learn to walk on new terrain like toddlers. Parents should encourage them as they did then and help them up when they fall. Young people are the new generation that will shape our world in the future. Today's much-talked-about youth is valuable and needed, and they still need us. They need love and understanding, even if they sometimes make it difficult for us to give it. The next time the family visits, we want to actively involve our young guests in conversation, ask them what they play and watch on their mobile phones, and show more interest in what is currently on their minds. And beyond that, we want to suggest a boat trip together, a visit to a climbing or skating park, including a picnic prepared together.