Lonely Souls

Students on their cell phones

«Write something about it», a friend tells me. «It would be a good topic!» But I'm so angry about it that I stare at my blank sheet of paper and want to set it on fire. I need distance. Perspective. Inner balance. Humor, too, lots of it. None of that is available. It's just me and my frustration about it.

What is this all about?

In the past, you were excluded from your class community because, for example, you had told on someone or didn't have the latest brand-name clothes. Today, you're an outsider because you don't have a smartphone yet. On the one hand, there's the dreaded class chat – cue dramatic music – and on the other, there are various occasions when all the children are hunched over their devices with their heads down and only one or two «last Mohicans» are looking up. All alone. Then the boredom becomes even more boring. Then the loneliness feels even lonelier. All alone, in fact. Over the years, you watch it like a rising tide. When will it be our turn? At some point, the water is up to our necks. By ninth grade at the latest, when even the most committed Waldorf parents give in. Then the last bastion falls. Then even the last ones bow their heads and stare at the better world in their smartphones. The better friends. The better leisure activities. The better education.

Dramatic music end

«Our daughter still doesn't have a smartphone in ninth grade. I think it's okay for her because we don't have one either», says another mom on the subject. That statement hits home. It makes me realize my own, almost comical arrogance. Because, on the one hand, I am one of the role models who show that a smartphone is important—and, on the other hand, I don't really know what's right.

Inform

Neuroscientist and psychiatrist Manfred Spitzer warns explicitly against the use of digital media in adolescence: «Disorders of language development, attention, learning, and motivation, even decision-making, are all particularly common in young people. At this age, the brain is still developing, and it is precisely this normal brain development that is disrupted by smartphones», says Spitzer. Young people who use digital media a lot often suffer from depression, attention disorders, lack of exercise, and anxiety, as well as short-sightedness, postural problems, and a decline in school performance. This is because smartphones consume time. What's more, smartphones are used to access social media, which can cause depression and increase the risk of suicide. When is it communication or just leisure fun, and where does addiction begin? All computer games are designed to stimulate our brain's reward system and release dopamine. The gaming industry is doing quite well out of this.

Control

We know how difficult it is not to eat the chocolate in the fridge, right? That's why it's important to monitor children in an age-appropriate way. How much time do they spend in front of the device? And to what extent do their thoughts revolve around the medium all the time? And I find the latter point almost the most important, because it's invisible: is it still possible for media time to be canceled on a given day? Or does the child completely freak out? What weighs more, the visit that is there, or the pull to play games? Does the child already think about their fictional game character during the ten o'clock break and how many gems still need to be collected in order to afford the armor for level 34 and the epic sword?

Trust

Isn't that contrary to monitoring? I don't think so. The former is primarily about not looking away – the latter goes much deeper. Do we trust our children to be capable of learning? Have we given our children enough emotional nourishment to enable them to develop their inner selves? And do we trust our relationship with our own child and the strength of this bond, which is much stronger than we sometimes realize? Caring for our children's use of digital media demands a lot from us. It requires honest observation, honest reflection, and sometimes changing our own behavior in certain areas. It's hard work and it's exhausting, but it can make a big difference and give us strength.

And what about the excluded child?

The phone rings. It's his friend. He wants to know if they can meet up at the weekend. Interesting, I think. For someone who is totally excluded, he actually still has quite a lot of contacts. Through school. Through sports. Arrangements to play cards. Camping plans. Invitations to birthdays and parties. I want to buy a little more time before we tackle the issue head-on and he gets a smartphone too. And maybe collect a few more non-virtual gems for myself so that I'm well prepared: so that the safe space remains intact and we find ways to deal with the challenge.